So many teens live in a home with at least one other sibling. In fact, kids spend more time with their siblings than anybody else. By far, sibling relationships are the longest-lasting family relationships in an individual’s life.
Some sibling relationships are healthy and sustaining, while others are broken and unhealthy. The complexities of these unique relationships can often be hard for an outsider to understand, since there are often invisible rules at play. Take for example the love-hate relationship in which it’s OK for siblings to fight with one another but when a third party enters the picture, the gloves come off and the siblings become highly protective and defend one another. Most would say this type of relationship is completely normal, but if siblings are constantly at each other’s throats, persistently trying to outdo the other and continue tearing each other down with their words, the relationship is far from normal.
The constant bantering between siblings can turn into physical and psychological warfare, leading to bullying, tormenting or worse. In a battle to exert control and power, one sibling may end up dominating the relationship, making the home environment an unsafe place. While most sibling relationships have their ups and downs, some of these relationships are downright abusive. Young people who survive an abusive sibling relationship can carry their physical and emotional scars into adulthood.
A study in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence estimates that between 50 and 80 percent of youth experience some form of sibling abuse. This violence can involve physical, emotional or even sexual abuse, with reports indicating it's more common than parent-initiated child abuse or intimate partner abuse. It's estimated that 3 in 100 youth are in a dangerously violent sibling relationship. In regards to sexual trauma, sibling sexual abuse is reported to occur at a higher rate than parent-child incest. Unfortunately, data on abusive sibling relationships are lacking, as many families either keep their secrets under lock and key or have normalized the unhealthy relationship to the point they don’t see the signs of abuse. One way that sibling abuse stands apart from other forms of abuse is that the perpetrator, usually an older sibling (most commonly occurring between an older brother and younger sister), has more access to the victim, making it a dangerous and unsafe situation.
Sibling abuse often goes undetected and unreported. Survivors of sibling abuse frequently struggle with depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, promiscuity and drug misuse. Many survivors are confused about what constitutes a healthy relationship and often feel guilt and shame over what happened to them. As a result, they may experience long-term relationship problems.
With a culture that normalises sibling rivalry, it’s important for parents to know the tell tale signs of rivalry and when it crosses the line into abuse.
Here are five reasons for teen sibling rivalry:
They are too similar in personalities. They are like two peas in a pod, and that causes stress and tension in the relationship.
They are as different from one another as night and day. This difference can cause arguments over every little thing.
They are space invaders. For example, one infringes on the other’s space and doesn’t allow breathing room. Teens definitely need their space.
They are competing for attention, often from a parent.
They are jealous and feel inferior to the other.
These are some signs of teen sibling rivalry:
Physically and verbally attacking one another, such as shoving, pinching and hitting or name-calling, insults and put-downs
Fiercely competing for attention and trying to outdo one another, such as in academics and sports
Constantly bickering or bantering back and forth
Overly critical and jealous of the sibling
Unreasonably territorial
Extremely frustrated and easily agitated more times than not with their brother or sister
Sometimes it can be difficult for parents to draw the line between what constitutes rivalry and abuse. And often rivalry can turn into abuse that can be physical, emotional and sexual. There are some signs the sibling being abused and the one doing the abusing may exhibit, and these signs should not be ignored or dismissed.
The following signs may indicate a child is being abused by a sibling:
Fears of being left alone with the sibling
Avoids being at home
Complies often with sibling’s requests
Changes in behavior (e.g. more stressed, anxious or depressed)
Changes in eating habits (e.g. eats less or more than usual)
Has unexplained bruises, cuts or scrapes
Experiences sleep disturbances or nightmares
Acts out in sexually inappropriate ways
Disengages from the family
Shows signs of insecurity and low self-esteem
These signs may indicate a sibling is abusive:
Acts out aggressively to exert superiority and control
Engages in inappropriate sexual contact
Exhibits rough and violent behavior
Seeks out a brother or sister to hang out with, but companionship is not reciprocated
Ignores healthy boundaries for privacy and space
Makes decisions for the sibling, silencing that child's voice
Exhibits jealousy and possessiveness
Frequently displaces anger and frustration on the sibling
Shows signs of poor impulse control
As you can see, it can often be difficult to distinguish rivalry from abuse, and most teens don’t report the abuse. But if you are the parent of a teen who is in an unhealthy relationship with his or her sibling, don’t ignore or miss the signs. In some families, the conflict between siblings is so severe that it adversely affects how the family functions.
If you suspect abuse, first and foremost, don’t leave your kids alone. Next, when they are in each other’s company, be present and supervise their interactions by paying special attention to signs of abuse. Last, keep an open relationship with your teens, so they know they can talk with you about anything. Spend time alone with each of them so they have space to talk openly about any concerns with you.
Youth need to feel that home is a safe place. It needs to be their haven away from the world, not a place where they live in fear. If your teen musters the courage to tell you about the abuse, you need to believe him or her. Your ability to intervene immediately can help both of your kids. If you believe sexual abuse is occurring, separate the siblings immediately and seek professional help. The wounds of sibling abuse can heal if they are treated.
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